Why can’t I just know what I want?

How do we ever know that what we’re doing is what we’re supposed to be doing? I ask myself this question day in, and day out. I wish I could just know when I’m happy with a choice, and when I’m not.

When I properly started this blog I wrote how my life flipped upside down… and I said that that’s how I’m going to stay. It’s a lie. I feel like my life is constantly flipping me over and over. Yet, somehow I cannot just stay one way, or the other.

I know it’s only natural to feel up, and then down. Anxious and then confident; or go from feeling like you’ve got it all figured out, to being completely lost.

I have all these ideas, and I know I can realise them all. Writing something I love to write. Filming something I wanted to film for a while and so on, and so on. Yet recently I’ve been feeling like I cannot accomplish anything that I set myself.

No matter how hard I want to, I feel completely defeated by life. It’s normal, I know. I just need to get myself together, it’s not that hard – I know.

But it’s hard to work on things in a place you don’t want to be in. I mean, I love Nottingham, but I want to do other things, that will make me happier – travel, film my travels, write about my travels – just see the world.

But where I am now, is exactly where I am supposed to be. I’m only 19, trying to figure out who I am, and how I want to live my life – and at uni it’s so so so difficult to be the person I want to be.

I’m not entirely sure what is the point that I am trying to make, but I know that I just can’t find something that I really love doing, and it’s just driving me to a point of frustration.

At first I was happy with my job, taking photos at events – but after a while, it gets so repetitive. Drunk people see me, wave, ask for a picture – they pose, I try to take a photo, 1000 people walk past and interrupt the picture 1000 times, and then I press the button and then do it again… 200 times – the EXACT same photo in one night.

It’s an endless cycle. I find something that I think I’ll enjoy, it gets repetitive, I get frustrated, and I spend months dwelling over how repetitive everything is, and how I feel like I’m wasting my time.

WHY.CAN’T.I.DO.SOMETHING.I.ENJOY?!

I know I want to travel, I try to save money for travelling – but how long will it take me to save so much money to just go away? 

Why can’t I just make a decision and stick to it? I always have to overthink every idea, every decision… just EVERYTHING.

I know I want to make documentaries, and learn to be a good reporter… but I just feel like I’m just learning how to operate a camera for 10 hundredth time, instead of letting myself be creative.

I know I’m still learning, but it’s frustrating..

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