Since I am all alone in my small studio apartment again – I cannot help but feel content. Sitting in my soundless room, looking out of my 4th floor windows; a place where everything almost seems black and white. Sitting on the window; watching the shiny cars drive by – so far away, yet close enough to see them. Watching the fragile pane of glass opposite the road reflecting the bright headlights of the small vehicles.
Somehow, I love watching people chase their time, while being frozen in time in my tiny Nottingham apartment.
There’s a feeling that you feel; not when being high, or low, not when up, or down and definitely not when happy, or sad. You just feel it all the time – the feeling of uncertainty and emptiness. It’s a good feeling. It’s just a feeling of self acknowledgement – being alone is good. At least for me.
I feel like Nottingham is more than just a place where I went to University. It is a place where I started to understand why I make the choices that I do. Maybe I have not grown up yet, but I am certainly learning about myself.
Being at home for a month, after spending a few months in my own place, made me realise that loneliness is never a bad thing – I don’t think we should even call it loneliness, when you are living alone. Loneliness is when you are uncomfortable in your own company – which I always thought I was, yet living alone has taught me to thoroughly enjoy my own company. Especially with a view like mine – it might not be the best view in the world, but my place is my small euphoric place.
I was finally alone in my own space. The white walls, no light, just the cosy warmth from the long string of clumsily clamped together little light bulbs – all was mine again. Just me and my sterile space. I wonder whether anybody has ever felt so much euphoria and peace at once?
I am dreading the day I have to move out and leave my big windows behind, and move to a new place in September…